This week’s Florida Man Friday we have an air-sea-land battle to rival the invasion of Okinawa, how not to park a Maserati, and what happens when California Man tries that in a small town.
There’s really nothing to add except that I’ve watched the clip half a dozen times or more and it never gets old. Maybe the best part is how the bald eagle seems to pose for the video camera.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Wildlife, Water Hazard, Caught on Video, and a bonus point to the videographer for Sheer Awesomeness.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
You Can Take the Woman Out of Florida But…
Florida Woman was visiting Paducah, Ky., for reasons unknown. In fact, I’m not sure how she got there because she tried to steal a car from a Walmart parking lot.
Pretty brazenly, too.
A Paducah man was loading groceries into the back of his truck when Florida Woman slipped into the driver’s seat — even though the man’s wife was right there in the passenger seat. She was no obstacle to Florida Woman, however, who ordered the wife out of the truck and insisted that it was hers.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law, they say, and there’s a nine-in-10 chance that whatever demon was in possession of Florida Woman believed the truck was theirs.
That’s when Florida Woman ran into trouble: she couldn’t get the truck into gear.
I checked her age and she’s too old to be a Millennial.
Sure enough, the police arrived, arrested Florida Woman, let her out on bail, and four hours later had to arrest her again about five minutes after she (successfully) stole another car.
Florida Woman told the officer “she was tired of walking and saw the unattended vehicle, so she took it,” according to police.
Oh. Well. Carry on then.
SCORE: Recidivism (instant!), Walmart, Chutzpah, Likely Story.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Toonces, the Cat Dog Who Could Drive a Car Boat
It occurs to me now that my dogs are basically useless.
I kid, I kid — everybody knows I love my dogs (and pretty much all dogs) and that there’s nothing more useful than having a fuzzy head or belly to rub after a long day.
Still, not one of those fuzzy ingrates of mine ever picked me up at my local sports bar on those days when it seemed like a good idea to have a second martini with lunch.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol, Went Viral, plus 3 bonus points for a dog driving a boat. Can you blame me?
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
BONUS FLORIDA HEADLINE: Snake Found in Frantic Woman’s Toilet Will Have You Looking Before You Sit.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: Joe Biden Cures Cancer — AGAIN!
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I’m taking my exotic Italian sports car out for a spin in Cocoa Beach, doing a leisurely 90 in a 35 zone when for whatever reason the police decide to pull me over but I’m not having any of that because, damn, this is a Maserati and it’s a crime to do anything under 90, no matter what the sign says, so I punch it and leave that cop behind but then during my daring escape down the walkway near Coconuts on the Beach I somehow end up on the beach, and I don’t know if you know this — and you probably don’t because only special people like me own one — but a Maserati has enough clearance for maybe two or three grains of sand and the beach is pretty much made out of that stuff and so here I am stuck on this stupid beach waiting to get arrested.
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Police Chase, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Florida Man was committing a little burglary, half-naked, taking the usual assortment of AirPods and a lawnmower when the police got a tip that he was pushing the stolen lawnmower down the railroad tracks behind the house.
I’m thinking there’s got to be an easier way to do any of that. Put it all together, though, and you’ve got Florida Man Friday.
SCORE: Recidivism, Fleeing, Resisting Arrest, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Meet the Coolest Gator Attack Survivor Ever
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 21 points for an above-average average of 4.2.
Meanwhile, in Missouri…
As a born-and-bred Missourian, I’m relieved to announce that no Missourians (correctly pronounced Muh-ZOOR-uns) were harmed in the making of this video. California Man and several of his friends were not so lucky, sustaining serious injuries in the crash.
I hope they’re OK. I also hope they stay in California next time and don’t try that in a small town again.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…