(So much foul language in one short clip.)

Florida Woman kicked off flight to Florida after tirade, says another passenger is ‘not real’

The country has gone so crazy that it’s increasingly difficult to tell the difference between the actually mentally ill and folks who are just acting out because they are — and I’m being too gentle with these next words — social-media addicted attention whores with low impulse control and likely daddy issues.

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I won’t poke fun at those who are actually ill, so if I’m mistaken in this case, please forgive me. But Florida Woman here looks a lot more like the latter than the former.

Nobody knows what caused the meltdown, but witnesses say she was drunk. She also seems to have disappeared after being removed from the plane — perhaps out of embarrassment?

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.

SCORE: Went Viral, Caught on Video, Drugs/Alcohol, Likely Story.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.

Master of Disguise

Florida Man accused of stealing 69 birds worth more than $10K

Florida Man broke into a home in Lake Worth Beach last week, where he stole almost six dozen birds, apparently somehow valuable, from their cages.

What gets me about this story is that stealing birds — WHY??? — is one of those weird crimes that’s going to get someone noticed. So it behooves a villain to be as incognito as possible. If a witness sees you, what you want him to remember is the sackful of squawking birds, and not your outfit.

Nevertheless, Florida Man was caught on security video with:

• A distinctive beard.
• A distinctive cap.
• A camo jacket (was that supposed to be his disguise?)
• A blue hoodie with the phrase, “Sí, pero café con leche primero” (“Yes, but latte first”) on the back

And then, for reasons unknown perhaps even to Florida Man, he returned to the house 30 minutes after the first robbery because, Lord knows, he hadn’t attracted enough attention the first time around.

SCORE: Stupid Crime, Caught on Video, Wildlife, Master of Disguise (New!).
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.

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Holding Out for a Hero

Florida good Samaritan pulls woman from car submerged in pool

Bravo to this man from Fort Lauderdale:

“I’m just going home to eat my lunch, that car came crashing into the pool,” [Florida Man T.J.] Yarborough told WSVN-TV.

“She was pretty shocked, she’s a young girl and I can imagine how shook she was, she was gathering her phone in her purse but the water was coming up,” Yarborough explained.

“I couldn’t get the door open but the window, the electric still works on the window, so the window still went down. She started climbing through the window and I just grabbed her and put her to the side.”

Florida Woman wasn’t charged with DUI or anything like that, so I’m guessing the accident was just one of those awful things that young drivers are susceptible to.

So many ways that one could have gone wrong, but Florida Man was there to save the day.

SCORE: Water Hazard, Vehicular Madness, 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.

WHO AM I TO ARGUE WITH THIS BONUS FLORIDA HEADLINE? Florida Woman Credits Margaritas And Dancing With Making It To 105.

Florida Man Burns for You

Florida man sets fire to church, house patio in mysterious act

The joke in my part of the country is that Colorado’s four seasons are Snow, Mud, Fire, and Construction. We’re enjoying Indian Mud season right now with an unusually wet May and June, but Fire must be just around the corner.

I share this with you because as much as we try to avoid fire this time of year in Colorado, it must be incredibly difficult just to get one going anywhere in Florida, almost any time of year.

So that’s why I admire Florida Man’s gumption:

Florida Man was arrested by police on two counts of arson after someone witnessed him spark fires at a church and on the patio of a nearby home, the Ocala Police Department said in a news release.

At around 1 a.m. Wednesday, he reportedly walked up to the Isom Memorial Church on SW 4th Street and set its front door on fire, causing visible damage, a witness told authorities.

That same witness saw Ferguson walk toward SW Martin Luther King Avenue where he reportedly set a laundry machine located on a resident’s patio on fire.

Here’s the kicker. Florida Man was found a short while later “about two blocks north of the patio fire by police. He had two lighters and was carrying a half-full, open beer can in his back pocket.”

Exit Question: I haven’t spent much time in Ocala, so I simply must know if it’s typical for folks there to keep laundry machines on their patios.

SCORE: Glamor Mugshot, Drugs/Alcohol, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.

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Florida Man arrested after touching self on Volusia County beach in front of young girls

Speaking of social-media addicted attention whores with low impulse control and likely daddy issues: “A man who reportedly touched himself in front of multiple people – including three girls ages 14 and under – on a Florida beach was arrested by Volusia County deputies Monday.”

Gross.

“Don’t do what [Florida Man] did or you could end up featured here too,” the Volusia Sheriff’s Office wrote on their Facebook page. Even worse, you might end up on the Loudon County, Va., school board.

Exit Question: In that photo, doesn’t Florida Man look a little too satisfied for someone who was interrupted like that?

SCORE: Public Nudity, Stupid Crime, Impersonation (of a Loudon County school board member).
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 19 points for an average of 3.8. Maybe not Florida Man’s highest-scoring collection of escapades, but between a haunted plane, random arson, a pool-crash rescue, and stealing birds (again, WHY???), I’m calling this a strong week.

Meanwhile, Here in Colorado…

Colorado Man suspected of stealing women’s underwear from laundry rooms

Maybe Colorado Man self-identifies as the owner of those panties.

Best part? The Lakewood Police Department tweet asking for help IDing the suspect and concluding with, “Yeah. We know.”

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…

Florida Man Friday!