On this week’s Florida Man Friday, we have the most expensive smartphone game ever, a low-rent T.J. Hooker bad guy, and the Tennessee Hilton where the guests should sleep with their shoes on.
Florida Man behind bars after reports of a suspicious incident
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I’m driving around, minding my own business, with a bunch of drugs and drug paraphernalia on the passenger seat next to me, when I decide to pull over near an intersection so I can play a little Candy Crush or whatever on my phone, and I’m just so into the game that I’m slumped over so much that somebody thinks maybe I’m passed out or hurt and need medical attention, and that when an off-duty police officer finally comes to check on me, he sees all my drugs and stuff and now I can’t finish my game because they arrested me and took my phone and my drugs and stuff.
Don’t you hate that, too?
More seriously, I’d like to give the whatever is the opposite of a shout-out to whomever wrote that headline. A guy gets busted for drugs after pulling himself over to play on his phone, with all his illegal stuff right there on the passenger seat, and the best you can come up with is “Florida Man behind bars after reports of a suspicious incident?”
Lighten up, Francis.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Glamor Mug Shot, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Solid start this week, except for the headline writer.
Florida Man Watched Adult Films in Public with Speaker at Full Volume
I always thought that the secret to getting away with something you shouldn’t be doing in public — dropping trou and pleasuring yourself, for example — was to do it quietly. Not so for 51-year-old Florida Man of Clearwater, who decided his one-man tryst required the full Dolby Stereo effect.
That’s right: Florida Man didn’t just whip it out by the pool at his apartment complex, he was watching dirty movies on his phone — and his phone was connected to a wireless Bluetooth speaker that had the volume cranked up to 11.
Other residents of The Palms — oh my, really, he got caught doing that at a place called The Palms — called the police. Florida Man did not fight the police, possibly because he was too busy beating himself.
Florida Man was charged with indecent exposure and had been “convicted in the past for criminal mischief and battery.”
SCORE: Public Nudity, Drugs/Alcohol, Water Hazard, Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
#ProTip: Do that at somebody else’s apartment complex, never your own. Neighbors talk.
BONUS HEADLINE STORY: Florida Woman sentenced for stealing drugs from Boston-area hospitals while working as nurse.
All those nice things I’ve written about Florida Woman for all these years, and she didn’t even offer to share.
The Most Magical Place on Earth
Florida Woman ‘Trespassed’ from Disney World for Pushing Several Elderly Guests While in Line for Seven Dwarfs Mine Train at Magic Kingdom
Pushy, pushy.
Florida Woman was apparently really excited to board the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train ride because she:
- Pushed her way past two elderly women visiting from Maryland.
- Scratched one of the women so hard that she bled.
- Also pushed several other people who tried to intervene.
- When told by another person to stop pushing people, pushed several more people.
- Claimed she was the victim and had been profiled because she’s black.
Florida Woman did all this with her four kids in tow, who now have a mom who can’t bring them to Disney World anymore.
SCORE: Theme Park, The Elderly, Likely Story, and I’m gonna go ahead and guess there were enough drinks at lunch to garner a point for Drugs/Alcohol.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
BONUS TRIVIA TRUE FACT: “Trespassed” is the Disney term for someone who has been 86’d from the park, because apparently 86’d wasn’t good enough for them and also they needed to butcher a perfectly good word into its opposite meaning.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: We Have to Talk About the Texas Shooter’s Deeply Weird Origins…
Stolen SUV slams into building after Florida Man jumped out
Life is not an episode of T.J. Hooker, except of course for residents of Daytona Beach Shores.
You know how sometimes your so-called friends ditch you in Miami and you have to hitchhike all the way to Kissimmee to steal an SUV to catch up with them? That’s what police say happened to 20-year-old Florida Man, but it gets better.
Police spotted the stolen SUV when Florida Man took the Dunlawton Exit to look for decent WiFi. Kids these days have different priorities, and at the top of that list is decent WiFi. Always.
Seeing the police approach, Florida Man decided maybe this was not the best time to hunt for that last bar on the WiFi meter and floored the accelerator. Quickly, though, he decided he’d better flee on foot — which he did by jumping out of the speeding SUV, which then crashed into a building.
Fleeing on foot doesn’t seem to have done him any good, since he was quickly apprehended and charged with… pretty much everything.
Charges included: Grand theft of a motor vehicle, fleeing or attempting to elude law enforcement, unlawful carrying of a concealed firearm, resisting an officer without violence, driving with a suspended or revoked license, and leaving the scene of a crash with property damage.
SCORE: Face/Neck Tattoos, Glamor Mug Shot, Vehicular Madness, Police Chase, Resisting, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), and a bonus point for Impersonating a TV Cop Show.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Won the Women’s Poker Tournament
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four stories, 19 points, for an impressive average of 4.8 FMF points per story.
Meanwhile, in Tennessee…
Hilton Hotel manager arrested for waking up guest by sucking on his toes
You spend a hundred weekends feeding the homeless at a soup kitchen and they still just call you “Dave.” But suck one sleeping stranger’s toe in the middle of the night…
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…