Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a midnight bicycle drug delivery service, the used boxers thief, and Washington Man’s naked shopping spree.
It was like a scene out of the first Star Wars, except that instead of a scrappy team of heroes finding themselves in a Death Star garbage masher, it was drugged-up Florida Man hiding in a McDonald’s trash compactor.
As one does.
I suspect things went wrong for Florida Man long before a Highlands County deputy stopped him around midnight one Friday for riding his bike without any lights or reflectors on it. What the bike did have was one unusual accoutrement — a homemade wagon that Florida Man insisted had nothing but tools in it.
He was doing some stealth midnight construction work, maybe, but the excited alerts from the police drug-sniffing dog indicated otherwise. “Inside a cooler in the wagon were prescription pills, a small amount of fentanyl and a syringe that tested positive for methamphetamine,” according to Fox 35. Maybe there’s a DoorDash app for that kind of stuff, and Florida Man was working a little side gig on the weekends when his medical facility is closed.
(If there is, don’t tell me because I can’t afford to know.)
That’s when Florida Man took off running and hid himself in that McDonald’s trash compactor. Exactly how deputies fished him out of there and what condition he might have been in are two more things I don’t want to know.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Face/Neck Tattoos, Should Have Taken the L.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
It’s Always at Taco Bell, Isn’t It?
Florida Man Reminds Fellow Taco Bell Customers They’re ‘in Florida’ After Pulling Gun on Them in Parking Lot
It’s a tale of love and of love lost, of opportunities and adventure, and — OK, so it’s just a parking lot situation gone comically wrong.
Florida Man — a boat captain when he isn’t terrorizing fast food patrons — was trying to back up into a Key West Taco Bell parking spot when a woman parked in the next spot hollered out the window that he was about to hit her car.
Pet Peeve: People who take two minutes to back into a parking space so they can leave four seconds quicker.
Eventually, Florida Man got backed into his spot and then shouted at the couple in the other car, “What’s your f—ing problem? You’ve got your high beams on.” The driver flashed his actual high beams to indicate that they weren’t on.
Pet Peeve: Headlights brighter than high beams used to be.
“Sorry for the misunderstanding” is exactly what Florida Man didn’t say. Instead, he pulled a semiautomatic pistol, waved it around for good effect, and said, “You know where you’re at? I’ll f—ing kill you! You’re in Florida!”
I’ve read Florida’s concealed carry law and, trust me, it doesn’t allow that.
During all the gun-waving and shouting, Florida Man noticed the surveillance camera and fled, leaving his SUV behind because nobody would ever think to run the plates.
He also tried telling police the couple drew on him first but later recanted.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Likely Story, Taco Bell, Fleeing the Scene, Caught on Video.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: What the Hell Is Wrong With the People of Gaza?
Florida Man steals boxers and sunflower seeds after wandering around Evangelical Christian School for 11 hours
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I put on my best Mickey Mouse hat before breaking into the grounds of a local Christian school to see if they’ve got anything worth taking because I bet they’ve got a stash of gold or diamonds in the basement like these rich private schools do but I’m walking around the building and I’m trying all the doors and they’re all locked even though it’s Sunday and I thought these places were supposed to offer sanctuary so I try breaking a lock with this Tupperware lid I found on the ground but that didn’t work so I slip into their school bus but there was no gold in there so I take a little catnap for a couple hours on this golf cart they have just sitting there and my Mickey hat falls off and I forget it there because there were these free boxer shorts sitting on the back of the cart so of course I snag those — sweet! — and then I’m getting hungry but that’s cool because there’s a bag of sunflower seeds in the guard house and a pair of AirPods too but I forget to take them since I’m munching on those sunflower seeds then I wander off after not finding the gold but the police arrest me the next day at this gas station even though I hardly stole anything and only trashed the place a little bit.
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Crime of the Century, Caught on Video, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Headline: Claims of a Florida man using a nuke to power his home may sound believable but it’s fake
Big thanks to Brandan Girod of the Pensacola News Journal for that important clarification.
That Has to Be the Worst Part of a Cop’s Job
It’s 2 a.m. on a Friday and probably all you want is for your shift to be over. Instead, there’s some Florida Man apparently passed out in his car at a stop sign.
At least he came to a complete stop, right?
What happened in Brevard was a deputy saw the car at a stop sign, very much not proceeding, so he turned on his flashers. No response. Sure enough, the car reeked of pot and the driver was oh-you-tee OUT.
You’ll be shocked to learn that Florida Man, once awake, could not produce the medical marijuana card he never had.
It was at this point that the deputy had to do that one thing they must hate: reaching into another man’s pockets. This time, he found “large amounts of cash” in there and oodles more drugs in the car.
That’s when Florida Man took off running but as Sheriff Wayne Ivey later wrote in a press release, “This is Brevard County and I guess he had not gotten the memo that ‘if you run from BCSO you only go to jail tired.’”
If there’s a lesson here, it’s that if you’ve smoked so much that you’re sleepy, just go to bed.
SCORE: Humiliated by Press Release (new!), Drugs/Alcohol, Fleeing the Scene, Getting Caught Stupidly.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
What a Piece of Junk… and Another Piece, and…
Kudos to the commenter who suggested, “You should add the ‘Sanford and Son’ intro.”
Aside from that, I have no clue what to do with this story so I’m just going to award three bonus points and split them evenly between Chutzpah and WTF Were You Even THINKING?
SCORE: 3 Bonus Points evenly split between Chutzpah and WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Villages’ 77-Year-Old Viagra Smuggler
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 20 points for a very average average of exactly four points.
Meanwhile, in Washington…
The good news is that early reports that naked Washington Man tried to touch children are not true. The bad news is that he did indeed suffer some kind of mental crisis that made him do two crazy things: strip down to his socks in public and shop at JCPenney.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
Florida Man Friday!
P.S. Don’t miss the “Five O’Clock Somewhere” VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 4 p.m. Eastern on Mondays and Fridays. There is sometimes a special guest and almost always day-drinking.
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